Several months ago I wrote about a trip I took to South Dakota.  Along the drive, I came across a great little town  named “Crooks,” with a welcoming sign declaring to all visitors, “If I don’t call the police, my neighbor will.”  Very reassuring.  This list was inspired by that visit.

In honor of Crooks, here is my list of the Top 10 US towns for the criminally-inclined. Of course, this doesn’t mean these places provide easy  pickings for the law-averse.  Also, I doubt that the dear folks who call these places home would welcome ne’er-do-wells with open arms.  I’m just saying, if you were an aspiring bad guy or girl, these are the kinds of place names you’d love to call home.  It would be kind of inspiring for you, perhaps.

The Top 10 Hometowns for the Criminally-Inclined:

10. Bruno, Arkansas.  Aren’t all the cartoon bad guys named “Bruno?”  It would be funny to meet a soft-spoken cosmetics salesman named Kevin from Bruno.

9. Warman, Minnesota.  I am Fierce and Terrible. I Am War Man.

8. Shady, Florida.  OK, not home to the Super-Bad, just the kinda-shifty.  You know, cheat on your taxes, cross the street outside the lines, run a red-light kind of folks.

7. Savage, Montana.  Now things are getting a little more serious.  This is home not for the merely mean — if you’re from Savage you gotta be Bad.

6. Devil Town, Ohio.  There must have been such a crop of scoundrels hailing from this part of Ohio that it became affiliated with the Big Bad Guy himself.  It’s not just a bad town, it’s DEVIL town.

5. Gunbarrel, Colorado.  Good ol’ fashioned Western bad-guy town.  Grab your Colt 45, finish that whiskey and hitch up the horses.  We gotta bust Pa out of  jail.

4. Stalker, Pennsylvania.  Really?  Stalker?  Does everyone have sore necks from looking over their shoulders and crying out, “who’s there?!”

3. Crooks, South Dakota.  What do you think the slogans are like during local elections?  “Vote for Honest-Johnson.”  “Trust me.”  “I won’t raise taxes.”  I think you’d start to get a little jaded after awhile… you might start thinking that politicians are just a bunch of crooks.

2. Slaughter, Louisiana.  Even IF this is just named after someone named Slaughter, you gotta wonder why. If this hometown name calls out to you, get help.

And the number one hometown name for the criminally-inclined…

1. Pillager, Minnesota.  An old pirate camp, or just a mis-spelling of “villager?” Whoops.